It's time for another problogger group writing project. The topic is 'how to', and this is my entry :)
I've written previously about the important of trust. I feel that it is the most important component of any relationship. So how do you build a trusting relationship?
The first thing you need to do in order to build trust is to be trustworthy yourself. Trust is a two way street, it doesn't work if one of you isn't playing the game fairly.
Trust is not about believing everything the other person says without question. It's about knowing enough about each other to feel sure that the other person is telling the whole truth. It's not a choice you make, it's the way you feel. How do you create this feeling?
Be honest
In order for your partner to trust you, you need to be completely honest. Always tell the truth. Never lie. No matter what, you need to tell your partner everything. Don't leave bits out, and don't try to hide things.
It's not important or sensible to tell each other every minute detail about the mundane day to day things. That would be silly. If you went to the toilet on your lunch break, who cares. If you went for lunch with your ex, your partner should know about it. Telling them everything that happened at lunch will prevent them from worrying about or imagining possible scenarios.
Your partner should also know about your past. Again, not every detail, but if there's anything that could worry them, they need to hear it from you.
If your partner asks you about something, always answer truthfully. Don't be tempted to lie or miss bits out to spare their feelings. They will be hurt if they find out later.
Being completely honest is not about saving your partner's feelings, the point is to give them a true picture of who you are, so they can feel that they really know you. That is the basis of trust.
Be yourself
In addition to being honest, it's important to continue being yourself. Don't change your behaviour for the sake of your partner. They want to learn about the real you, not a polished, well behaved version of you.
If you are flirty, your partner needs to accept this about you. Don't hide it from them, be yourself. Similarly, if you hate football, don't pretend to like it in an effort to please your partner. They will find out about your true behaviour eventually, don't try to fool them.
Ask questions
Showing your partner the real you is only one half of the trust equation. You also need to know the real them. Don't be afraid to ask them questions.
If you are ever unsure of anything about your partner, simply ask them. You are aiming to feel like you know them inside out. Anything you're unsure about will leave a window for doubt. Doubt is the opposite of trust. Eliminate your doubt by asking a question.
Be careful not to accuse your partner, you are not looking for a confrontation. Don't ask a loaded question like 'Where were you last night?'. Your partner will feel like you want to attack them rather than learn about them.
Something like 'I wondered where you were last night, I was worried' would be more appropriate. This way, it's about you so it can't be an accusation. It also tells your partner how you feel, and invites them to put your mind at rest.
If you don't believe their answer, or it doesn't ease your doubt, ask for more information. Talk about how you feel, be honest, and don't settle for an answer that doesn't feel right. If you think it sounds suspicious, say so. Give them the chance to explain.
Share positive as well as negative
Building trust is not just about avoiding lies and eliminating doubt. It is about sharing. Share your happiness as well as your fears. Share your excitement, your ideas, your feelings. Learn your partner's hopes and dreams as well as their insecurities. A relationship is a wonderful thing, spend enough time on the good parts.
Accept the truth
Sometimes a relationship just isn't worth the effort. If your partner isn't being honest with you, you will never achieve trust. Likewise if you're not being honest with yourself.
A relationship can't work if you are pretending your partner is something other than who they really are. I learnt this the hard way, as did a good friend of mine. Deluding yourself with thoughts like 'Sometimes he's so lovely' or 'He'll get better' or 'She's not really that bad' won't change the truth. If you've got the wrong person then admit it and move on. Believe me, it's easier than trying to pretend.
It is unfortunate that so many people find it necessary to deceive others. Be aware that not everyone deserves your trust. Be careful who you reveal your secrets to. When you find the right person, you'll know.
Remember to keep smiling :)
This entry was posted 2 years ago
It has been tagged: topic, trust, truth, honest, partner, sensible, scenarios, worry, feelings, change, behaviour, hate, effort, afraid, doubt, confrontation, information, positive, avoiding, lies, sharing, happiness, excitement, ideas, hopes, dreams, insecurities, pretending, thoughts, aware, secrets.